Gottman’s Four Horsemen: Signs of Relationship Distress and How to Overcome Them
Relationships, even the strongest ones, go through ups and downs. At Marigold, we often work with couples who feel stuck in cycles of conflict, disconnection, or miscommunication. One of the most powerful tools we use to help identify and shift these negative patterns is exploring The Four Horsemen, a concept developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, world-renowned experts in couples therapy.
The “Four Horsemen” refer to four communication behaviors that, according to research, predict relationship breakdown if left unchecked. But the good news? Each of these behaviors has an antidote to help cultivate healthier, more constructive ways to communicate and connect. Read along to learn about each of the Four Horsemen, how they show up, and how to overcome them and improve your relationship.
1. Criticism
What it looks like: Criticism goes beyond expressing a complaint and attacks your partner’s character. It often starts with “you always…” or “you never…” and can make the other person feel attacked or blamed.
Example: “You never listen to me. You’re so selfish.”
Why it’s harmful: Criticism creates an environment of hostility. It erodes trust and makes it hard to feel emotionally safe with your partner.
The antidote: Use gentle start-up. Focus on your feelings and needs instead of attacking.
Example: “I feel unheard when I’m talking. Can we find a way to make sure we’re both really listening to each other?”
2. Contempt
What it looks like: Contempt involves sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling, or other signs of disrespect. It often comes from a place of superiority.
Example: “Oh please, like you ever help around the house. You’re completely useless.”
Why it’s harmful: Contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce, according to Gottman’s research. It conveys disgust and a lack of respect.
The antidote: Build a culture of appreciation and respect. Express gratitude regularly and notice what your partner does well.
Example: “I really appreciated you handling dinner last night, it made a big difference in my evening.”
3. Defensiveness
What it looks like: Defensiveness is a way of protecting yourself from perceived attack by denying responsibility, making excuses, or shifting blame.
Example: “It’s not my fault the dishes aren’t done, you didn’t remind me!”
Why it’s harmful: It sends the message that you’re not willing to hear your partner’s concerns and can escalate the conflict.
The antidote: Take responsibility even for a small part. This creates space for compromise and collaboration.
Example: “You’re right, I forgot. I’ll make sure to do them now.”
4. Stonewalling
What it looks like: Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down, withdraws, or becomes emotionally unavailable during conflict.
Example: Silence, walking away, or refusing to engage in the conversation.
Why it’s harmful: It leaves the other person feeling abandoned and can increase feelings of loneliness or resentment.
The antidote: Practice self-soothing and take breaks. When overwhelmed, it’s okay to step away, but let your partner know you’ll return to the conversation.
Example: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 20-minute break and come back to this?”
Moving Forward with Support
Recognizing the Four Horsemen in your relationship doesn’t mean it’s doomed. On the contrary, awareness is the first step toward change. At our practice, we help couples identify these patterns and replace them with healthier communication strategies that foster connection, empathy, and resilience. If you see yourself or your partner in any of these behaviors, know you’re not alone, and help is available. Schedule a session with one of our couples therapists to begin building stronger, more supportive relationship habits.
