The “NICER” Technique: A Kinder Way to Speak to Yourself

Have you ever noticed how quickly your mind can turn on you? Maybe you replay a conversation, assume someone is upset with you, or criticize yourself for something small. That inner voice can be harsh, convincing, and hard to quiet.

In the book “Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You” by Meg Josephson, a simple mindfulness tool called NICER is introduced. This is a great way to respond to these thoughts with more awareness and self-kindness, rather than getting swept up in them.

Instead of trying to get rid of difficult thoughts, this practice helps you relate to them differently.

How to Use the NICER Skill

When you notice yourself spiraling into self-criticism or anxiety, try moving through these steps:

N — Notice
Pause and notice what’s happening. What thoughts are coming up? What are you telling yourself?

I — Invite
Rather than pushing the feeling away, gently allow it to be there. You don’t have to like it, but you can make space for it.

C — Get Curious
Ask yourself: What is this feeling trying to tell me?
Is there a deeper emotion underneath: fear, shame, sadness, or a need for reassurance?

E — Embrace
Respond to yourself with compassion. This part of you may be trying to protect you, even if it’s showing up in a harsh way. What would it be like to meet yourself with kindness instead of criticism?

R — Reground
Come back to the present moment. Notice your breath, your surroundings, or what is actually happening right now, rather than the story your mind is creating.

A Gentle Reminder

You are not your thoughts. You are the one noticing them. The next time your inner critic gets loud, try the NICER skill. Even slowing down and meeting yourself with curiosity instead of judgment can shift your experience in a meaningful way.