Bids for Connection: What They Are and Why They Matter
Have you ever shared something small with your partner, like a funny meme, a passing thought, or a quick observation, only to be met with silence, distraction, or a flat response? Moments like these may seem insignificant, but they often carry deeper meaning.
In healthy relationships, it’s not the grand gestures that build intimacy; it’s the small, everyday moments of reaching and responding. These moments are what Drs. John and Julie Gottman call “bids for connection.”
What Is a Bid for Connection? A bid for connection is any attempt, big or small, to get another person’s attention, affection, or support.
Bids can look like:
“Look at that sunset!”
Sharing a personal story
Asking for help with something simple
A playful touch on the arm
Sending a text just to say “hi”
At their core, bids are ways of saying:
“I want to feel close to you.”
“Do you see me?”
“Can I trust that you’ll be there?”
Three Ways People Respond to Bids
According to the Gottman Institute, every time someone makes a bid, the other person has three possible responses:
Turn Toward – You respond with interest, attention, or care.
Example: Partner says, “I had such a long day,” and you reply, “Tell me about it. What happened?”
Turning toward builds trust and emotional safety over time.
Turn Away – You ignore or miss the bid, often unintentionally.
Example: Partner says something while you’re scrolling your phone, and you don’t look up.
Repeated turning away can leave someone feeling invisible or unimportant.
Turn Against – You respond with irritation, defensiveness, or criticism.
Example: Partner says, “I miss spending time with you,” and you reply, “Well, you’re always busy too!”
Turning against creates distance and can erode connection over time.
Why Bids Matter So Much
Healthy relationships are built on thousands of these micro-moments. In fact, research shows that couples who stay happily together “turn toward” each other’s bids around 86% of the time, while couples who eventually divorce or split up do so only about 33% of the time.
It’s not about being perfect. No one can catch every bid. But consistently noticing and responding makes people feel valued, seen, and emotionally safe. Over time, turning toward each other creates a bank of trust that helps couples weather conflicts and challenges more effectively.
How to Get Better at Noticing and Responding to Bids
1. Slow Down and Be Present - So many bids are missed simply because we’re distracted. Put the phone down,
make eye contact, and give the moment your attention.
2. Look for the Small Things- Bids don’t always sound deep or romantic. Sometimes they’re casual, like a shared joke, or asking about dinner. Don’t overlook them!
3. Practice Curiosity Instead of Assumption- If you’re not sure whether something is a bid, assume it is and respond with
warmth. It’s better to turn toward unnecessarily than to miss a chance for connection.
4. Make Your Own Bids Clear- It’s okay to say, “Hey, I really need a little attention right now,” or “I’d love to talk.” Clear communication helps your partner show up for you.
For Couples Healing from Disconnection or Trauma
If your relationship has experienced distance, conflict, or trauma, responding to bids can feel more complicated. Emotional safety needs to be rebuilt slowly. In these situations, it can help to:
• Start small and focus on consistent, low-stakes moments.
• Use therapy to unpack patterns that have made turning toward difficult.
• Celebrate progress, even if it feels awkward at first.
Bids for connection may seem small, but they’re the threads that weave closeness, trust, and resilience in a relationship. When partners make a conscious effort to notice and respond to each other’s bids, they create a foundation of emotional security that helps love last, not just during the big moments, but in everyday life.
