Healthy Communication with the ‘DEAR MAN’ Skill

When it comes to communicating our needs effectively, many of us struggle. It’s easy to shy away from difficult conversations or confrontation, especially we don’t feel particularly skilled at being assertive. Whether you're expressing a concern to a friend, advocating for your needs in a relationship, or asking for a raise at work, the DEAR MAN skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be a helpful tool. DEAR MAN is a structured approach to communication that helps you assert yourself in a clear, respectful, and effective way. Let’s break it down.

The DEAR in DEAR MAN describes what you do:

• Describe: Start by describing the situation without emotions or judgments. Stick to the facts to help the other person understand your perspective.
  Example: “Last week, I noticed you didn’t include me in the meeting invite.”

• Express: Share your feelings and thoughts about the situation. Be honest and direct, but avoid blaming.
  Example: “I felt left out and frustrated when I wasn’t included.”

• Assert: Clearly state what you need or want from the other person.
  Example: “I’d appreciate it if you could include me in future meetings.”

• Reinforce: Explain why it would benefit the other person to meet your request, or express appreciation for their cooperation.
  Example: “Including me will help our team stay on the same page, and I’ll be able to contribute more effectively.”

While the MAN part of the skill describes how you do it:

• Mindful: Stay focused on your goal. Don’t get sidetracked by distractions, and avoid over-explaining or justifying your request.
  Example: If the person starts to challenge you, calmly bring the conversation back to your request.

• Appear confident: Present yourself with confidence, even if you’re feeling nervous. Maintain eye contact, speak clearly, and don’t downplay your needs.
  Example: Speaking in a steady voice shows that you believe in the importance of your request.

• Negotiate: Be willing to compromise if necessary. Sometimes, a solution that works for both parties is the best outcome.
  Example: “I understand you’re busy, I would be happy to send out the next meeting invite so that we are all included.”

Using the DEAR MAN skill is a great way to communicate your needs in a healthy, assertive manner. Just like any other skill, it takes practice. You may try writing each point out, or practicing saying them out loud prior to the conversation or meeting. By practicing this skill, you’ll build better communication habits and improve your relationships as well as your self esteem.